Many men (30-40% to be precise) have felt like they climaxed too soon during sex. When this happens, it is understandably upsetting. In addition to being disappointed, you may worry that your partner thinks you’re a bad lover, but—trust us on this—worrying will just make it worse.
The difference between a good lover and a bad one isn’t how quickly you came but what you do next. If you roll over and go sleep despite the fact that your partner has clearly not reached orgasm yet, you’ll probably get a pretty bad grade. But, if you leap into action to focus on her pleasure, you might just end the day as her hero.
Here are some suggestions on how to handle the situation when you’ve climaxed too soon:
Talk to her. Honest communication is the key to good sex. She already knows what happened but don’t let it become the elephant in the room that you’re both trying to ignore. Acknowledge it by saying something simple like, “Well, that just happened” to acknowledge it or try to use a little humor to lighten the mood, “Oops, I didn’t know we were taking the express train tonight.”
Believe her. Most partners, whether you’ve been together for a long time or are new to each other, will try to make you feel better by saying it happens to everyone (it does), it’s not a big deal (it’s not), and there’s more to sex than penetration (there is). Believe her when she says these things, and don’t keep beating yourself up because there’s nothing sexy about that.
Focus on her pleasure. You’ve already had your orgasm, so turn your attention to her. Let her know that you want to keep going and that her pleasure is now your top priority.
Go back to the basics. We often call kissing, caressing, or massaging foreplay as though their only role is to get us ready for penis-in-vagina sex. Many women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm which means that these activities may give her more pleasure than prolonged intercourse would have.
Use your fingers. Penises are great, but fingers can be sexy too. Explore her whole body with your hands, rub massage oil on her back and front, and then bring her to orgasm by rubbing her clitoris softly and slowly (or fast and hard if she likes that better). Slip a finger inside of her for added pleasure or try to find her G-spot by putting a finger inside her vagina and curving it up toward her belly button.
Use your tongue. Receiving oral sex is one of the most intense sensations for women, and yet studies have found that women are more likely to give oral sex to their male partners than they are to get some in return. Show her that you’re not just willing, but eager to pleasure her with your tongue.
Use sex toys. There are many sexual activities that do not require a rock-hard penis, but penetration isn’t possible if you’re soft. If this is what she wants, try adding a sex toy. Make it a joint effort by using a vibrator or dildo inside her while you use your tongue or fingers to stimulate her clitoris. Or get a toy, like a magic wand or a clit sucker, that stays outside of the vagina and provides intense sensations.
Keep going. Men often have long refractory periods (the time it takes you to recover from an orgasm and be ready for another), but many women can have back to back to back orgasms. Sex doesn’t have to be quick just because you climaxed sooner than you wanted. After you’ve made her come once (with your fingers, mouth, or a sex toy), ask if she’d like to go again.
Cuddle. Orgasms release oxytocin which is sometimes called the cuddle hormone because it makes you feel bonded to the person you’re with. Increase that bond and make sure she knows you had a good time despite everything by hugging, kissing, and spooning after her orgasm (or orgasms if you’re following our advice above).
Look for ways to last longer. If this isn’t the first time you’ve climaxed too soon, it might be time to look for solutions. See our article on techniques like edging and squeezing that can help you stop yourself from ejaculating. Or try the in2 patch wearable patch. This tiny patch is clinically proven to help men prolong sexual intercourse by gently contracting the pelvic muscles. Unlike other PE treatments, in2 doesn’t interrupt the flow of sex or numb the penis. Plus, it contains no medication, and you don’t need a prescription. The in2 patch comes in two intensity levels – low and high. Try the starter kit (which comes with one of each) so you and your partner can figure out which works best.
Seek professional help if needed. If the issue of premature ejaculation continues, it is a good idea to see a health care provider to rule out (or treat) any underlying physical issues and/or talk to a sex therapist who can help with relationship issues and offer additional techniques that can help you last longer.
Climaxing too quickly is not part of anyone’s fantasy of a perfect sexual encounter, but it doesn’t have to ruin anything. Open communication, patience, and a willingness to focus on your partner’s pleasure can help you move forward in the moment and find ways to prevent premature ejaculation in the future.